Clientcopia Stories (20)

1/21/2012 4:03 AM

Quote #8081 | Submitted by: Mike

The company that provides our water supply encourages customers to pay by monthly Direct Debit (automatic payment ex bank; they control the amount). This is good for the company in terms of regular cash-flow and good for the customer because monthly payments are easier to budget than a single annual one.

For some years we paid about £25 a month, but almost every year the end of year statement would tell us that the account was either drastically in credit or equally drastically behind, and each year when we phoned them to enquire about this we were told that it was just a glitch in their system - so eventually we stopped looking at all closely at anything other than the monthly debit to be made in the following year.

Last year this monthly figure suddenly halved (to about £11 in fact). This seemed curious so we questioned it and were told that it was because they had managed to squeeze costs and passed the savings on to their customers.

We have just received a new statement which tells us that during the past year we have "underpaid" by £156 and that to cover this and our apparently increased usage our monthly debit will now be £55.

We have not in fact changed our usage at all, and their figures seem to follow from the following sequence:
1. Because of bad weather at the time (a year ago) they did not in fact read the meter, so they used an estimate that actually bore no resemblance to our actual usage. (Hence the £11)
2. Now using that estimate as though it was an actual reading so that our usage for the last twelve months looks enormous
3. Their system uses the last two usage figures to predict the next, so they now predict an even more enormous usage for the next twelve months and the £55 is calculated to cover this as well as the shortfall that they had already created.

Apparently all of this is 100% in line with unchangeable procedures.

(In case anyone in the water industry is interested, we live in Gloucestershire.)

1/20/2012 8:23 AM

Quote #8080 | Submitted by: stephenwales

Just been notified by a client that his email client problems are because I use macs to create websites and because the internet is windows I'm in the wrong

(and it turns out his vodafone dongle was acting up)

1/16/2012 11:09 AM

Quote #8079 | Submitted by: tech90

i work for a major cellular telecommunications company:

Customer: "Excuse me sir, my phone is broken!"
Me: "Ok, what issues are you having with the device?"
Customer: "When i put it in airplane mode it doesn't fly
anywhere!!"

At this point a technician was called over and I proceeded to
cry from laughter

1/14/2012 8:32 PM

Quote #8078 | Submitted by: songbird

A client was baffled when I asked her to "right-click" on an image. When she finally grasped that I meant use the right mouse button instead of the left, she seemed delighted at the world of possibilities this opened up.
"So you've really never, EVER used the right mouse button before?"
She said, "Well, no because I'm not left-handed."

1/14/2012 8:18 PM

Quote #8077 | Submitted by: songbird

Simple password reset by phone:
ME: Your password has been reset to 556uT887ptH, it's case-sensitive.
CLIENT: What's that?
ME: The upper and lower case letters have to match.
CLIENT: So which is it?
ME: Sorry?
CLIENT: Do I use upper or lower case!?
ME: Well, it has both.
CLIENT: *Sigh* Fine. Are the numbers capitalized, too?
ME: ... No, they're just numbers.
CLIENT: I know that! But upper or lower case?
ME: Just type the numbers, there's no difference.
CLIENT: Capital one is excited. Capital two is the spermy-thing. Capital three is tic-tac-toe....
ME: Sorry, please use lower case numbers.

1/12/2012 10:34 AM

Quote #8076 | Submitted by: Kratata

An email came in

' I lost all my email addresses, can you please reply so i'll have yours again !! '

1/11/2012 11:01 AM

Quote #8075 | Submitted by: BrianAnim

Had a very elderly caller today-

Him: "I believe I have a subscription with your online courses."
Myself: "alright"
----- Long Silence -----
Myself: "hello?"
Him: "How about the subscription?"
Myself: "Did you have a question about your subscription?"
Him: "Yes"
----- Long Silence -----
Myself: "Hello?"
Myself: (trying to figure out what his question might be) "Did you want me to see if your subscription is still active?"
Him: "yes"

After figuring out his subscription is still active I proceed to tell him what course to take this year to renew his license, after fighting me on his CE requirement,which by the way is what I do for a living I think I would know. He asks if there is a way to do the course faster than reading the entire book.

I informed him that he could have the book open at the same time as the exam in his state.

Him: "I don't have a book, it's online"
Myself: "it's a digital book, you can open both and have them side-by-side on your screen"
Him: "don't take that tone with me! You expect everyone to know how to do that? I want to speak with your manager"
Myself: "I'll go ahead and transfer you to my manager"


Oh and I can hear him calling in talking to our office manager again desperately trying to get the URL into the address bar instead of the search bar.... Then hanging up on my manager as I type this.

1/9/2012 8:18 AM

Quote #8074 | Submitted by: MJM87

Last month at a Christmas party for the RV park my girlfriend works for, I was talking with the owner. He began to tell me about video he had made for the party, how it took him 2 weeks to make, it would tell the 50+ year history of the park, and how it made his daughter cry when she saw it. After dinner was served, we watched the video which turned out to be a 5 min slideshow set to public domain music with the default Microsoft movie maker titles.

12/30/2011 11:18 PM

Quote #8073 | Submitted by: Slap Bulkhead

Re 7990: "We are a Branding Firm and were hired to launch a new
company and develop their corporate identity from scratch. The
client after a long discussion on creative direction states,
"People don't care what the name of the company is, or what the
logo looks like. If they like the product, they will buy it."
Umm...Really??"

Yes, really. You think Apple is a logical name for a high tech
company? Or Virgin for a record label, airline and bank? Or how
about the most popular soft drink with kids having an Edwardian
era cursive logo?
A guy owned a chain of upmarket bar/restaurants a few years ago.
His friends told him he had it easy since every new one he
opened just traded off the name and reputation of the others. So
he called his next one "Sams Cafe" and it was just as
successful.

Brands are meaningless, their identity comes from the quality of
the product or service. I could start an upmarket restaurant
called Vomit and if the service and food was good people would
get used
to the name and happily eat there.

Good companies provide good service and get a good reputation.
Bad companies have to keep on rebranding and changing their name
and/or logo all the time to try to fool people into buying from
them. Good companies don't have to do that.
Pepsi changes it's branding and logo every five years. Still way
behind Coca Cola who have the same logo they had a hundred years
ago.

12/30/2011 10:40 AM

Quote #8072 | Submitted by: mike

This is from the 1970s but I guess that even if technology changes, people then were much the same as now.

My sister's husband worked for a large company that sold cheese to independent retailers all over the country. Each of their salesmen/drivers would leave the depot at the beginning of the day with a large van freshly loaded with a full range of stock, and each retailer they visited could decide then and there what stock they wanted and take delivery of it straight away. The salesman wrote invoices for each customer, and hand in copies of those invoices back at the depot before clocking off.

The invoice-copies were used both by Accounts and to keep track of stock, but since at that time everything was still done by pen & paper methods it was never possible to find out what should be left on any one van in time to check it against the reality before that van's stock was replenished and the van departed again. Obviously that meant that there was no effective check on the honesty of the salesmen/drivers so inevitably there was a consistent "evaporation" of stock.

As a little spare-time project I solved my brother-in-law's problem with an incredibly small computer (16k memory and no hard drive) that had just become available and was so cheap that in fact the cost of the computer added to what I charged for the few hours it took me to program it was actually paid for in a single month by the value of the stock that was no longer lost. (Amazingly, from the day that Kevin became able to check each van, there was never another stock-difference!)

Obviously, on such limited kit it was not possible to make the whole thing foolproof, so he often needed to phone me to ask how to put things right after doing something stupid, and of course I always helped him.

A few years later, he set up in business for himself (in the same business) so he needed a computer system for his new company, and asked me about it. I told him what I could do (By then technology had moved forward, so we were talking about something much better that an old Sinclair!) but I had to tell him that due to existing commitments I could not actually deliver until late August (This was in May). He was not pleased by that, and also told me that the price I quoted him seemed extortionate.

The next thing I heard was that he had engaged a "proper consultant" and because the "proper consultant" had promised to deliver by the end of July, he had accepted an estimate that was about eight or nine times what I had quoted him although many of the features I had agreed were not now to be included.

In fact he did not get his system until mid-October (I keep my promises but the "proper consultant" did not, apparently.), but that is not all.

One Saturday afternoon in early December he phoned me to tell me that his new system was going haywire, and to ask if I could "pop over and do something to put it right" because he had a mountain of important work to do on it.

Me: Why aren't you asking the guy who set the system up?
Kevin: He doesn't work weekends.
Me: Well if I do come over it will cost you the same hourly rate that he charged you when he was setting it up.
Kevin: Can't you just do what you did when I was still with [name of his ex-employer] ?

(I didn't clear up someone else's *** as a freebie, and he would not agree to pay me what the other guy would have charged, so I never did find out what happened to the "mountain of important work" he said he had to do, but to this day my sister thinks I was pretty mean to him - like he was quite fair to me?)

12/30/2011 10:06 AM

Quote #8071 | Submitted by: mike

I know a site where the story offered can look fine on "Preview" but gets rejected as SQL error when one clicks Submit.

What I was going to send in might have been OK, but I have to send this instead.

12/29/2011 3:38 AM

Quote #8070 | Submitted by: mike

A piece of software I use pretty often used to have a menu of options across the top of the screen in black on white.

They have now "improved" it so that same options are is much smaller print and in Black type on a Dark Blue background

Who on earth could be idiotic enough to think that that could be helpful?

12/28/2011 5:35 PM

Quote #8069 | Submitted by: Slap Bulkhead

Small family owned electrical retailer, about twenty branches
across the UK, TV's, washing machines, cookers etc. Each store
is quite big, but the company is not a well known name.

They decide to drum up new business with a regular monthly "10%
Off Day" and print tens of thousands of full color flyers
distributed with local papers and for each branch to distribute
in the area.
Each flyer full color, huge "10% Off everything in store on
Thursday 28th June!" or whatever month it was. Pretty picture of
the outside of the store, map of where the store is, and lots of
"Great deals!" and "While stocks last!" generic crap. And
smiling faces of the brand "family" posed by models, father,
mother and two kids supposed to make people realise this is a
family business.

Know what was missing from the flyer?

Any mention of what they actually sold....

Thousands of people each month would get these flyers and think
"XXXXX? What do they sell? Furniture? Carpets? Pet food? Ten
percent off what?"

Month after month they repeated this. Never thought to tell
people what they were selling.

Then went bankrupt.

12/28/2011 9:48 AM

Quote #8068 | Submitted by: AndyK

This one is from the part-time job I used to have in a mall. It was the day before Christmas and the mall was packed with shoppers. Almost every bad thing that could go wrong did. Crying babies, lost kids, confused shoppers, unruly teenagers, etc. while the mall managers rode herd on us employees.

We had a Santa setup where kids could come get their pictures made while telling Santa what they wanted for Christmas. The parents caused 99% of all problems and it wasn't unusual for employees to be threatened with bodily harm, lawsuits or even losing their jobs. The rules were plainly posted but parents largely ignored them. Towards the end of the day we were all looking forward to 6pm when Santa would leave and we would begin emptying the mall and locking all the doors.

Mrs. Impatient was at the end of the long line and there was no way she and her brat would get to see Santa before 6pm. She kept yelling at me until I walked over to see what her complaint was.

Mrs. I: We obviously won't get to see Santa because you people don't know how to keep the line moving. If only you had two Santas (!) or some properly trained employees we might get up there before you try to make us leave...

Me (cutting her off): I'm sorry but we are moving people through as fast as they can. It is hard to get pictures made and let the kids talk to Santa...

Mrs. I (cutting me off): Well, I'll just leave and come back next week. What time will Santa be here then?

Me (shocked): Next week is AFTER Christmas. Santa will not be back until November.

Mrs I (mouth open, shocked looked): What do you mean he won't be back until next year?! What about all the kids that don't get to see him before Christmas? Do you want them to wait?!!

Me (thinking): Yeah, all kids want to see Santa AFTER Christmas. And what mall has TWO Santas all dressed up for kids to see.

And yes, Mrs. I. filed a complaint with the managers about me. At least all of us got a laugh over that. ;~)

12/27/2011 5:25 PM

Quote #8067 | Submitted by: NotBobDog

The last place I worked, we had a customer call for a Mr. Collin. We had no employee with that name. The customer was sure that Mr. Collin had left a message asking him to call this number. After he hung up, a salesman comes to the front desk, asking if said customer had called. When he called the customer back, we figured out what happened. This is what we heard on our side of the phone"Hi, Mr. **** ? this if Joe calling from XYZ corp."

12/27/2011 12:38 PM

Quote #8066 | Submitted by: exaspirate

From: exaspirate@somecompany.com
To: support@othercompany.com
Subject: Processing failure

While attempting a purchase from your web site, we received the error message "This machine has attempted an illegal operation" when clicking on the "Submit" button on the confirmation page (http://www.othercompany.com/confirm.php?a=99&id=98765). This occurred only when attempting to order products in category "XYZ" (specifically "XYZ12345", "XYZ23456" and "XYZ34567" but the error appears to be consistent). Purchases of products in other categories proceed without error.

Regards,

exaspirate.

--------------------------------------------------------------
From: support@othercompany.com
To: exaspirate@somecompany.com
Subject: Re:Processing failure

Hi, exaspirate

Thank you for your recent email. More information is required on your issue before we can issue a support ticket number.

Thank you

othercompany.com

--------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, what more information do you want? My star sign? The weather at the time? The price of apples? Idiot bot reply system!

12/20/2011 7:05 AM

Quote #8065 | Submitted by: Wbowman

Another one from me; again from the old 'family store'...

A customer walks up to my register with a trolley that is about to collapse under the
weight of her shopping. She has exploited almost every buy-one-get-one-free offer
in the whole shop. I begin scanning and packing for her. Eventually the task is done,
and I tell her the total (£109.36).

Customer: can I pay by card?
Me: sure thing. Just put it chip-side-up in the pad there.

On the front of my alcove is a large sign. It says "We accept cash, cheque, Visa and
Mastercard - sorry but we do not accept Store Credit or American Express" Anyway,
the customer pulls out a Lloyds Visa and puts it in the chip-and-PIN pad. We have a
policy that if a card is declined, we assume it is the machine at fault, and ask the
customer to try again (not that this EVER gives a different outcome).

Me: Enter your PIN and press enter, please.
Pad: Beep beep beep beep beep. Boop. (Declined)
Me: Sorry, there seems to be a problem, could you remove your card and try again?
Pad: Beep beep beep beep beep. Boop. (Declined again)
Me: I'm sorry, but it's been declined. Do you have another way to pay? We accept
anything except AmEx.
Customer: Sure, hang on. (she rummages in her purse, and produces a Barclays Visa)
Pad: Beep beep beep beep beep. Boop. (Declined)

Oh dear.

Me: I'm sorry, this one has been declined too. Do you have another payment method?
Customer: I really don't know why this is happening! Can I try again?
Me: Yup. Anything but AmEx. Cheque will be fine, or cash.

She pulls out another card. A Halifax Visa. It is declined. She seems to be running out
of options. Finally, she draws one last card.

Customer: I know you don't take AmEx, but is American Express all right?

GAH! Fortunately, supervisor takes over. Woman finally accepts she'll have to put
everything back, which she does with admirably good grace.

I later found out she'd been arrested at Tescos by trying to fool the self-service
registers into accepting a telephone call-card as a credit card.

12/20/2011 6:36 AM

Quote #8064 | Submitted by: Wbowman

I used to work in a grocery store at weekends and holidays until I went to university.

It was a smaller store, nowhere near the size of the Tesco Extra down the hill, but we
still had a lot of customers since we were 'the family store' of the town.

Anyway; we always set up our registers at the beginning of the day so that we had
exactly £50 in cash change; £20 in fivers, the rest in coins. This always suited
everyone fine, as the average customer bought £20ish in groceries, and paid with a
couple of tenners.

Then one week, it started. It was Saturday morning, five past nine. We had been open
literally five minutes. I was sat in my alcove, and my first customer arrived with a 59p
milk carton. I scanned it, and told him the price.

Silently, he hands me a £50 note. I stare at it. I'd never seen one before (they're not
in common circulation, though still legal tender) and I wasn't entirely sure what to
do. I pressed the buzzer, and my supervisor appeared.

Supervisor: What's the problem?
Me: This customer wishes to pay with a £50 note.
Supervisor: (to customer) I'm sorry, but we don't have enough to change that, would
you mind waiting and I'll get you change from the office.
Customer: Yes, thanks.

She does so, and brings the right change, and I complete the transaction. All is well.

The next week the same thing happens, dead on five past nine. Same old man, same
carton of milk. Same fifty note. I blink at it, push the buzzer, and the supervisor
appears.

Supervisor: Sorry sir, you've come so early again we can't change that note yet. I'll get
your change from the office, but in future could you try paying with smaller notes?
Customer: Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't know you couldn't change a fifty this early.

Nice and simple then. The customer now knows we cant change £50 that early
without emptying the register. It's not going to happen again, right?

Wrong.

Next saturday. Same time. Same man. Same milk. Same note. I actually face-palmed.
The supervisor was none too pleased. She reminded him that she had asked he not
try to pay with a fifty again so early. I started wondering where he was getting the
fifties from, since you only really get them if you ask specifically at the bank. The
supervisor got him change from the office, and he left grumbling.

Next saturday. I buzzed even before he got to my register. Oh, I forgot to mention,
until 10am I'm the only cashier on duty. So it was obvious he'd come to me. Again
with the milk.

The supervisor looked at me, at him, and went tight-lipped. She was a three-strikes-
and-out kind of woman. This was too far.

Supervisor: Sir, can you remember what I said last week?
Customer: Er, no, not really.
Supervisor: I told you that when you shop this early for so few items and pay with
such large a note, that we do not have the cash in the till to change you.
Customer: Oh yes. I remember you saying that.
Supervisor: Then why are you still trying to pay with that £50 note?
Customer: I only have fifties.
Supervisor: But surely even if you bought nothing else in the week, you'd still have
that £49.41 in change from last week? I believe I gave you four £10 notes?
Customer: Oh no, I put that in my savings box.
Supervisor: Your savings box?
Customer: Yes. I don't like having change in my pocket so I put it all in my savings
box. I get my pension on Fridays so I take out a fifty, so I can buy milk in the
morning for coffee, and then go to the pub for dinner.
Supervisor: (rather confused) so how do you buy the rest of your shopping?
Customer: Oh, I pay by card and get Tesco to deliver.
Supervisor: (flummoxed) Then why not get your milk at the same time?
Customer: I like the walk in the mornings.

I was astounded, as was my supervisor. I'd taken the liberty of cancelling the milk so
I could serve two other customers in the queue whilst the above was happening. I
never bothered scanning the milk again, I think my supervisor would have exploded
if she'd had to count out the change. She walked off, and the customer left still
gripping the note.

Next week I opened my register with £80 rather than £50. Guess what? He didn't turn
up.

GAH!

12/19/2011 5:42 PM

Quote #8063 | Submitted by: scoldog

I wish I was making this up.

I was having a talk with a giant waste of carbon who works for this company. We were talking about a printer setup when the following happened.

Waste of Carbon: "I've just had a new saleman start today, I need him setup with his logins urgently.
Me: "I can't really do anything until Payroll gets his paperwork. What is his name and I will talk to Payroll."
WC: "His name is Joe."
Me: "What is his last name."
WC: "I dunno"
Me: o.O

Somehow this guy is a used car sales manager. He's the guy who hired the mysterious "Joe".

12/11/2011 5:53 PM

Quote #8062 | Submitted by: SadLifeguard

Not tech-related, but still...

I work at a pool as a lifeguard, and the following was an
exchange between myself, my Team Leader (TL), and one of the
patrons.

TL: ****, there's something at the bottom of the deep end.
Could you just make sure it isn't what we think it is?

Me: Sure. Can do!

I check. Sadly, it is what we thought it was, feces. We follow
the standard procedure of clearing the pool, followed by trying
to see what we could do about the poop at the bottom of the
pool in the deep end.

However, there's one lady still swimming in the lane. My TL
goes over to talk to her.

TL: Ma'am, I'm very sorry, but you'll have to hop out.
Someone's fouled the pool, and we have to close it due to health
and safety reasons.

Lady: I come all the way from **** to swim and now you're
telling me to get out?!

I'm sorry, but if you want to swim in s**t, be my guest.